It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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