Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
