Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
