What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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