My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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