Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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