if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
