Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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