dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
