I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
