Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
