I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
