nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
