she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
