does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
third nipple confirmed
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
