I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
