Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
