she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You need a sexual gate keeper
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
my poor anus
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
