Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
