you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
