I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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