nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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