i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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