Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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