YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
