I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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