Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
