the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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