No awkward lesbian experiences without me
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
