just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
