don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
you never un-have a 4some
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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