i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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