there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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