Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
