So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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