im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
