maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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