They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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