Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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