I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
