Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
