How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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