I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
