my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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