yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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