not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
