I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
