I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
ugly people sure do ruin things
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
