Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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