Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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