drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
