saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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