I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
