Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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